if there's such thing as a real goodbye

perhaps this is it. guess i wasn't brave enough to face and tell you that i've finally found someone else

if there's such thing as a real farewell

then this is it. i've been trying to seek affection once more and prepared to risk it. even if that means am no longer with you

if there's such thing as a reality

this surely is it. i admire you so much i couldn't help but wonder how you managed to achieve so many things, how you transmuted "passion" into something else till it became a whole new dimension, how you changed my life in almost every aspect which existed amongst our palms and prayers, our ups and downs, our fights and our losses

if there's such much as too much

it's to bid you adieu and keeping my current track

without looking back


what is a “relationship” but experiencing, maintaining such repetitive yet dynamic composure; a monotonic -unrhymed hymn which forces you to keep up over and over again, in order to understand yourself, rather than your partner, better. it’s never a smooth sail as foretold by any fairy tale. but here we are.. doing our best to commiserate, to console one another. in short: being ready to encounter every possible outcome.

i never understand romance and never will. but am pretty sure how it’s supposed to look like. to fall asleep and wake up next to you every morning. to let you stay dozing soundly whilst quietly getting ready to roll the day on. to kiss the naked shoulder of yours, savouring that wonderful pheromone. to pour the usual cereal myself without complaining the absence of your wondrous coffee. to let you freely expressing yourself around the house -paint the curtain, moan out loud, bake some silly cupcakes, feed the pup (yes we will have ourself a cutie Samoyet. i dare not to argue with you on this).

what’s the worst that could possibly happen to us? to deal and adapt with one person’s daily doze. to share our reading list and silently mumbling why the hell she does not dig fantasy as much as i do. then i remember that we often stuck in a different section every time we pay a visit to the local bookstore. the same thing goes with the movies. and that’s a good thing. so yeah, what’s the worst that could possibly happen since it seems always going to be a honeymoon phase for us?

it’s past midnight now and the urge to down a shot of Stoli is rather unbearable. i keep telling myself to save it for later. so i put my fingers on the keyboards but they don’t seem in the mood to lull me something to sleep. so i start to think nothing and -unsurprisingly- everything pops up. just like that. and for a split second i think i begin to understand romance but i don’t. another false epiphany and still i can’t grasp the fact that it’s impossible to comprehend.

in the end, i still don’t understand myself. but i am glad you’re still here.


*image taken from the movie Paterson (2017)